Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Randomize
