white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
