I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
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