Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
