I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
My vagina just clenched in fear
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