Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize