I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize