I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Terrible idea I love it
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
