my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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