so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
