So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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