moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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