You can't special order awesome
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
