tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
