my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize