Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
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