Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
where are my eyebrows?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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