Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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