The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
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