I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
