when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
we're making bets on your personal life
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
Randomize