Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
