I think i peed on brittanys purse
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
