fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize