I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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