We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think your dad took our porno
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
