sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
