Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
my liver is dry heaving
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
Randomize
