Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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