I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
time to smoke my breakfast
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
