you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
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