im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
