The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
