If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
