Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Randomize
