Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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