my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I AM VODKA MAN
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize