Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Randomize
