I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
