The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
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