just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
