ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Randomize
