You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
Randomize
