just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
