woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
