I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
The uberlube is also flammable
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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