my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
