Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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