Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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