is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
