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this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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