So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
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