apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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