WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
