allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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