I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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