So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
