There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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