Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
