You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
