I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
