Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
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