I'm gonna have a badass scar
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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