Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Randomize
