I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
