i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
