i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
There are leaves in my underwear?
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
