You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Randomize
