if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
