he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
